Women are always telling me I’m good in bed, which is weird, ‘cause I’m not doing anything special. I mean, I could. I was married for 7 years, so I learned a thing or two. But most of the time, I’m sticking to the basics: Don’t stick it in too soon, and don’t come too soon.*
That’s really all you need. If you need a little more clarification, here goes:
1. Don’t stick it in too soon. There’s no such thing as too much foreplay. I’m serious. Women take a lot longer to get turned on than men do. Just because she’s wet, doesn’t mean she’s ready for penetration. A good sign that she’s ready is when her hips start thrusting involuntarily. Or she says “God damn it, when are you going to fuck me?!” I’d rather run the risk of teasing her until she’s so turned on she can barely stand it than to skip ahead to penetration too soon. The key to making the foreplay last longer is to enjoy it. Stay in the moment. Focus on every new sensation, every new body part. Relax. You’re in bed with a hot woman. This is where you want to be. Relax and take your time.
2. Don’t come too soon. This is the second most important thing you can do to be a better lover. Most men last 5 minutes or less. If you can last ten minutes, you’re twice as good as average. Give her 20 minutes and she’ll think you’re a rockstar. If you think about it, twenty minutes is not that long to spend doing the thing you enjoy more than anything else in the world. The key to not coming too soon is to pause and take a deep breath and relax all those muscles, sort of a reverse Kegel exercise. Don’t be embarrassed if you need to stop. She’ll be turned on by knowing that you’re so turned on, and she’ll be impressed by your control.
Step 2 is a lot easier if you’ve spent enough time on step 1. This is because she’ll come quicker if she’s super turned on, so you don’t have to hold back the floodgates of ejaculation as long. Hell, if you want to be an overachiever, give her an orgasm before you even get to penetration, aka the appetizer orgasm.
It’s really that simple. I estimate that 90-95% of being “good in bed” comes down to those two things, besides the obvious prerequisites of confidence, chemistry, and mutual attraction. You don’t need a bunch of different positions. You don’t need fancy cunnilingus techniques. You just need to go slow enough so that she’s turned on and give her enough time to get to climax. That’s it.
Stay sexy, my friends
* I’m a classy guy, so I really agonized about whether to phrase this in a more sophisticated, less crude way. But I ultimately decided that it was more important to make this easy for you to remember.
Meet for a drink and sit at a 90-degree angle to her. Have her meet you at a bar or lounge that is not too loud, i.e. not a sports bar or a nightclub. It doesn’t have to be a fancy or trendy place, but it should have soft lighting and a nice ambiance. Get there early enough to sit at the corner of the bar, or if that’s not available, find a table and move the other chair in such a way so that she’ll be sitting at a 90 degree angle to you. This is important because sitting face-to-face across a table is awkward because it feels like an interview, and there’s a table in the way, making physical contact more difficult. Sitting side-by-side at the bar can work in a pinch, but you have to make sure to turn your body to partially face hers, otherwise you’ll both have to crane your necks to look at each other. (You have her meet you there not just so you can get there before her to choose the right spot to sit, but also because she might not be comfortable having someone she doesn’t know picking her up at her house. Pick a place in her neighborhood if she doesn’t have a car.)
Look her in the eye and have an intelligent conversation. “Intelligent conversation” may very well be a topic for a whole series of blog posts, but the crucial detail here is “look her in the eye”. Most men don’t do this, and that’s why they fail. You can’t connect with someone if you don’t look them in the eye. Eyes are the window to the soul. “Intelligent conversation” doesn’t mean bore her with intellectual topics. Keep it light and fun. Don’t interrogate her with a bunch of questions, and don’t brag about yourself and your accomplishments like most guys do. It doesn’t really matter what you talk about as long as you’re not being creepy or boring. (Turn off your phone and give her your undivided attention. And just to be clear, this is not a staring contest. You can look away from her eyes every few seconds. But they should be your anchor point.)
Hold her hand and escalate consensual physical contact from there. I don’t know what it’s like in other cities, but a lot of women in Seattle have told me how refreshing it is when a man holds their hand on the first date. Apparently, most men here are too passive to make any physical contact at all. Holding someone’s hand is not a creepy, aggressive move. No one has been sued or publicly shamed for sexual harassment because they held someone’s hand. I’ve held a woman’s hand within the first five minutes of meeting her. You’ve held someone’s hand within the first 5 seconds of meeting them, too. It’s called a handshake. With someone who likes you, you can hold their hand a little longer. If you need a pretext, act like you’re interested in her jewelry. Or hold her hand up against yours and say “Wow you’ve got long/short fingers. You’d be really good/bad at playing piano/basketball/whatever”. Gauge her reaction. If she pulls her hand away almost immediately, wait another 10-15 minutes before you try to hold her hand again. If she doesn’t pull her hand back, maybe give her a hand massage.
I was at the beach in beautiful Sayulita a couple weeks ago, and two vendors kept approaching me. One was selling hammocks and the other was renting umbrellas. Which do you think was doing more business?
The hammock seems like a much better value, right? Wouldn’t it be stupid to rent the umbrella when you can have the hammock for life?
Wrong. A hammock is useless without two trees to hang it between. So hammock-man isn’t selling me rest and relaxation. He’s selling me a project. But I’m not at the hobby store. I’m at the beach. I want to relax, and hammock-man is selling an incomplete experience.
Umbrella-man, on the other hand, not only puts up the umbrella for you, making sure to dig a deep enough hole so the umbrella doesn’t blow away, but he also adjusts it as the sun changes position and takes it down for you at the end of the day. That’s one less thing you have to deal with when you’re ready to go home. That is a complete experience!
So, what can we learn from this?
It’s often better to rent a complete experience than to buy a incomplete experience. I haven’t owned a car in years because I don’t particularly like driving and I don’t need the hassle of looking for parking and dealing with insurance and other maintenance costs. But keep in mind when comparing the difference in costs between two options, that you have to consider not just the monetary costs but also the impact on your time and your sanity. There’s a laundromat in my neighborhood that charges me double what all the others charge, but they pick up and drop off my laundry, and they do it in about 5 hours, while the others take at least a day. That is a complete experience, and I’m happy to pay for it because it saves me time and energy and the stress of worrying about whether or not I’m going to have clean sheets on my bed tonight.
If you’re a business, are you providing your customers with the complete experience? You’re not selling a product, you’re selling the experience that that product provides. It’s not that hard to segment your market, providing some customers with the complete experience (assembly, delivery, etc) and giving others the minimum. The laundromat I mentioned above has some customers who do their own laundry, and then other customers (like me) who are willing to pay for the complete experience.
Are you giving the people you date the complete experience? And I don’t just mean satisfying them sexually, though of course you should be doing that. Are you stimulating them intellectually and emotionally as well? Are you just assuming “I’m hot and good in bed, therefore women are going to love me” but you’re not really that interesting or fun outside of bed? Well then you’re providing an incomplete experience. Maybe some women will be okay with that. But most of them want the complete experience.
Stay sexy, my friends.
- Granola. I love granola, but I don’t delude myself into thinking it’s good for me. It’s just oats (carbohydrates) coated in sugar (more carbs) and fat. As Xzibit would say:
Sprinkle a tiny bit of it on your full-fat Greek yogurt once in a while, which brings me to my next point.
- Low-fat yogurt. Real, natural yogurt, is incredibly good for you, in moderation. But most of the yogurt we eat has had sugar added, and what’s worse, the fat has been removed, so your body absorbs the sugar even more quickly. This should make you very angry. Instead, it just makes you fat.
- Fruit Juice. Fruit is good for you because it’s fresh and it has fiber. But fruit juice is just the sugar water with everything else discarded. Yes, it’s natural sugar water. But it’s still sugar water. Why do you think hypoglycemics reach for orange juice when their blood sugar is low? And how many vitamins do you think it has after it’s been pasteurized (boiled) and left sitting on a shelf for weeks?
- Whole-wheat bread. The term “whole wheat” is very loosely regulated by the FDA, so a lot of the time your “whole wheat” bread might not have that much whole wheat in it. But even if it does, the extra fiber and protein doesn’t really slow down the absorption of the carbs that much. Treat bread like the high-carb treat it is, and eat it very sparingly, preferably right after working out. And put lots of butter on it to slow down the absorption of the carbs!
- Honey. Just ‘cause it comes from bees, doesn’t mean your body won’t treat like it treats every other form of sugar – by sending it straight to your fat cells. Use in extreme moderation.
Stay sexy, my friends.
Last week, I talked about how powerful limiting beliefs are, and how they can warp your perception of reality.
But how do you recognize your own limiting beliefs? And more importantly, how do you eliminate them?
The problem with limiting beliefs is that they’re so deep inside your head, it’s hard to recognize that they’re erroneous. It’s like asking a buggy program to debug itself – it doesn’t know what the bugs are.
Because it’s so difficult to tell what’s a limiting belief and what isn’t, we’re better off looking for the ones that are holding us back. These ones present themselves as the excuses that you’re using to keep yourself from doing the things you want to do.
Also, look for any negative pre-conceptions you have about yourself. “I” statements that seem charmingly self-deprecating, like:
- I’m disorganized.
- I’m not good at talking to girls
- I’m not the kind of guy who’s sociable.
- I’m just naturally fat and overweight.
It’s important to realize that some of these might be partially true – maybe you actually do have a slow metabolism, or you’re a bit introverted, or whatever. We still want to discard the limiting belief because it’s not useful. Conversely, you could have a false belief that turns out to be very useful. Imagine you believed you were great at talking to girls. You’d constantly be doing it, and pretty soon you’d get good at it because of all the practice. But even before that point, your confident body language would open plenty of doors.
So, for each belief/excuse/self-perception, apply the following process as described here:
1. Write it down.
2. Think about all the things that this belief is holding you back from (whether it’s true or not).
3. Think of an example that contradicts this belief. Has there ever been a time where you behaved as if this belief were false?
4. Adopt the opposite belief. Meditate on it daily. Repeat it to yourself over and over. Replace all the negative self-talk with positive self-talk. It will take a long time for you to fully internalize this positive self-talk, so in the meantime,
5. Change your behavior. It’s easier to act your way into a different attitude than to think your way into a new behavior.
Repeat this process on a regular basis. Just like the most complex software is never fully bug-free, your brain will never be fully free of erroneous assumptions and bogus limiting beliefs.
Stay sexy, my friends.
A lot of men have an irrational fear that the women they date or sleep with are going to fall in love with them and get all needy and clingy. When I was younger, this was a major concern of mine, to the point where I couldn’t even ask girls out because I was afraid of creating the illusion of a relationship that I wasn’t ready to commit to.
If you think about it, this fear is simultaneously self-absorbed and self-hating. Self-absorbed because you assume that women can’t help but fall in love with you (are you really THAT amazing in bed?), and self-hating because of the implication that there’s something wrong with these women for loving you.
This fear ranges from a mild concern to a slightly sexist paranoia, as demonstrated by Matthew McConaughey’s otherwise not-sexist character on True Detective:
Hilarious, but seriously guys, it’s not nice to refer to all female behavior that we don’t understand or that inconveniences us as “crazy”.
But even though not all women who get attached are crazy, the reality is that some women are little bit more desperate and needy than others. This is because they have low self-esteem and they’re looking for a man to prop them up.
Right now I can hear you thinking, “Brilliant, so I’ll just avoid the women with low self-esteem”. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. You see, you inevitably attract (and are attracted to) people who are at the same level of self-esteem as you. This is why you see weak women with insecure abusers, and weak men with insecure ball-busters. This isn’t some woo-woo Law of Attraction spiritual nonsense. It works on a very basic biological level via your body language. Women can read your body language instantly and it communicates directly to their sub-conscious.
And this is why when I was younger, I kept attracting these needy women. Younger me would ask “Why do women NEED to have a boyfriend?” and older, slightly wiser me replies “The same reason you NEED to have sex with a different woman every weekend – insecurity and low self-esteem.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to casual sex and variety. It’s the neediness that you should be concerned about because it means your self-esteem is coming from an external source, instead of from inside you.
And it’s also a problem because this neediness will drive you to do things that you know you shouldn’t do.
When I got divorced 3 years ago, I don’t have to tell you that after 7 years of monogamy, I was eager for some variety. To put it mildly, I was a total slut. I would have sex with pretty much anyone who was willing. And I kept attracting these immature women who were playing mind games with me, and the reason was that I was immature and I was playing mind games. I was trying to convince them to sleep with me to pump up my fragile ego. I never lied or said that I was interested in a relationship, but I wasn’t up front about my intentions and I got involved with women who I knew were going to get attached. A lot of people got their feelings hurt, including me.
About a year ago, when I stopped drinking, I took a step back from my sex life and decided to be a lot more cautious about who I was fooling around with. I didn’t go completely celibate per se, but I made a conscious decision not to pursue sex and to just let it come to me. I began working on myself and developing my own sense of self-worth and realized that I didn’t need to get it from sexual conquests.
Suddenly, I started attracting all these great women who were confident and open-minded and up-front about what they wanted, just like me.
And for a while now, I haven’t been afraid of women falling in love with me. In fact, just the other day, a woman told me she loved me and I was super happy about it because I knew she wasn’t declaring ownership of me. She was just expressing the affection we both feel for each other even though we’re not in a committed relationship.
This is the beauty of dating women with high self-esteem: you don’t have to worry about them falling in love with you, either because you’re going to be feeling the same thing, or because you know their feelings are not going to be the crazy needy type. And you don’t need to worry about your ability to “spot crazy pussy” as Matthew McConaughey says, because you just don’t have women like that in your life.
(Another huge benefit is that they don’t give sex or withhold it to boost their self-esteem. They have sex simply because it feels good. Unsurprisingly, they tend to be a lot better at it.)
The catch is that first you have to have high self-esteem yourself. I’m not going to pretend that I know all the secrets to getting there. It’s a long, hard journey that you have to take yourself. But I can give you a couple of tips.
- Love yourself – Realize that you’re an attractive, desirable man, and you don’t need to fuck lots of women to prove this to yourself or anyone else.
- Find your purpose – yes, I know that according to biology your purpose is to reproduce, i.e. to get laid. Find your higher purpose, dude. Usually, if you focus on that, the getting laid part takes care of itself.
- Be patient – You don’t have to get laid every weekend to feel like a real man. Just relax and say “The universe is sending some very good sex my way and I don’t want to spoil my appetite”
- Get in shape – It won’t get you all the way there – there are plenty of body-builders who lack confidence with women – but the boost in testosterone will certainly help
- Be picky – I don’t mean being one of those douchebags who sits at the bar finding any tiny flaw in a woman to justify not going over and talking to her. I mean being picky about the whole package. When you meet someone, are you attracted to her personality and her confidence as much as to her looks? Is she on your level, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Or is she a hot mess? When someone who’s not on your level flirts with you, you can take it as a compliment and move on. You don’t have to have sex with her just to prove to yourself that you can.
Being picky is a very powerful mindset to have. The average man can’t afford to be picky. He’ll take whatever he can get. Every time you say to yourself “I deserve better”, you’re reaffirming your status as an exceptional male, a man who has his pick and can choose to only be with the best – the ones who are beautiful inside and out. As my favorite sex-guru, Nicole Daedone says:
You deserve it. And when you truly know that in the core of your being, they will flock to you.
The tricky part is knowing it, deep down. Not just acting cocky and confident, but really believing 100% that you’re a desirable man. True confidence expresses itself in your body language, and because all people, but especially women, are experts at reading each other’s body language, they’ll know right away whether you’re faking it or not. Sooner or later, a micro-expression, which can last for a fraction of a second, will give you away.
Stay sexy, my friends.
- Don’t tolerate slut-shaming. Every time you hear someone doing it, say “Dude, are you gay? Because what you just said contributes to a culture that makes it harder for all straight men to get laid. Cut that out.” (Not that gays can’t be feminists, but you get the idea)
- Don’t accidentally slut-shame. If a woman has sex with you right away, call her the next day so she knows you still respect her. Because of course, you do still respect her, right? After all, YOU had sex on the first date and you still respect yourself, I assume.
- Be aware of the ways women are being held back and/or objectified and stand up for them. A lot of times all it takes is someone to say “Hey, that’s not cool”. Be that guy.
It’s the received wisdom that we should set goals and work toward them. But amidst all this positive thinking, no one ever talks about why it fails. Laziness and lack of motivation are obvious reasons, but I think another important reason is that people get focused on the milestone instead of the behavior that leads to it. They focus on the product instead of the process. Some examples:
“I just want to lose ten pounds”. This is a classic example of stupid goal setting that leads to stupid counter-productive behavior like juice fasts and other crash diets that destroy the muscle that was keeping your metabolism high, screw up your hunger-regulating hormones, ensuring that you’ll get fat faster in the future. Weight is a meaningless number, after all. If you told me you gained or lost 10 lbs in a month, the first thing I would ask you is how much of it was muscle.
“I wish I could get her phone number/get her to go out with me”. Ok, and then what? Getting a girl to go out with you is just a milestone in the whole process of attraction. A lot of guys focus on getting girls’ phone numbers, not realizing that that’s actually the easiest part. Believe me, I’ve learned this the hard way. I have a lot of numbers in my phone of extremely hot women, most of whom don’t text back. That’s ’cause I didn’t take the time to develop a real connection with them BEFORE I asked for their phone numbers, because I was stupidly focused on getting the phone number as though that was the magic key.
“I wish I had a million dollars”. Most people who win the lottery end up bankrupt and in debt within a year, because they haven’t learned how to be rich, successful people.
Instead, for each of your goals, you need to dig a little deeper and figure out what you REALLY want, and not just look at the outer signifiers or the milestones.
“I just want to lose ten pounds”. No, you don’t. You want to be a fit, healthy person. But that’s not a two-week project. It’s a lifestyle change. But trust me, it’s worth it. And the two-week crash diet will just make you miserable in the short-term and fatter in the long-term. It’s scientifically proven.
“I wish I could get her to go out with me”. No, what you really want is to be so attractive that women like her actually WANT to go out with you. That requires you to work on yourself and improve your social skills. But it’s worth it.
“I wish I had a million dollars”. No, you don’t. What you really want is to be successful. The million dollars is just a trophy that proves you were successful.
Try this with all the goals you set for 2015 and see if you’re focusing on dumb external measurements instead of the things you really want.