How To Recognize and Eliminate Your Limiting Beliefs

Last week, I talked about how powerful limiting beliefs are, and how they can warp your perception of reality.

But how do you recognize your own limiting beliefs? And more importantly, how do you eliminate them?

The problem with limiting beliefs is that they’re so deep inside your head, it’s hard to recognize that they’re erroneous. It’s like asking a buggy program to debug itself – it doesn’t know what the bugs are.

Because it’s so difficult to tell what’s a limiting belief and what isn’t, we’re better off looking for the ones that are holding us back. These ones present themselves as the excuses that you’re using to keep yourself from doing the things you want to do.

Also, look for any negative pre-conceptions you have about yourself. “I” statements that seem charmingly self-deprecating, like:

  • I’m disorganized.
  • I’m not good at talking to girls
  • I’m not the kind of guy who’s sociable.
  • I’m just naturally fat and overweight.

It’s important to realize that some of these might be partially true – maybe you actually do have a slow metabolism, or you’re a bit introverted, or whatever. We still want to discard the limiting belief because it’s not useful. Conversely, you could have a false belief that turns out to be very useful. Imagine you believed you were great at talking to girls. You’d constantly be doing it, and pretty soon you’d get good at it because of all the practice. But even before that point, your confident body language would open plenty of doors.

So, for each belief/excuse/self-perception, apply the following process as described here:

1. Write it down.

2. Think about all the things that this belief is holding you back from (whether it’s true or not).

3. Think of an example that contradicts this belief. Has there ever been a time where you behaved as if this belief were false?

4. Adopt the opposite belief. Meditate on it daily. Repeat it to yourself over and over. Replace all the negative self-talk with positive self-talk. It will take a long time for you to fully internalize this positive self-talk, so in the meantime,

5. Change your behavior. It’s easier to act your way into a different attitude than to think your way into a new behavior.

Repeat this process on a regular basis. Just like the most complex software is never fully bug-free, your brain will never be fully free of erroneous assumptions and bogus limiting beliefs.

Stay sexy, my friends.

Are you being blinded by your own mind?

Today, I want to talk about limiting beliefs and how they can screw up your perception of reality.
 
Recently, I had a stupid limiting belief that this really hot girl that I met was a “nice” girl who wasn’t going to get down with me right away. I assumed she was going to make me at least play part of the boyfriend role, if not actually become her boyfriend.
 
The night we finally went out I scrolled up on my phone and saw a message saying “I’m very attracted to you. Not as a boyfriend, but maybe something more casual.”
 
The weird thing is I had read this message but I was so stuck in my limiting belief that I hadn’t really understood it. I had just assumed she was saying the opposite – that I was the one who was interested in something casual. Here she was literally telling me what she wanted and I was ignoring it and persisting in my limiting belief.
 
And this was a very stupid limiting belief, because obviously a woman can be hot, smart, and classy and still enjoy casual sex. Her self-esteem isn’t dependent on how much sex she has or doesn’t have, or on how long she makes you wait. (And if you need me to tell you that, you’re an idiot whose backward attitude is causing you to miss out on a lot of great sex). And it showed a lack of self-confidence on my part for assuming that I wasn’t attractive enough for her to only want me for one thing.
 
But sometimes limiting beliefs don’t just make you misinterpret things. They can actually make you blind to reality.
 
One time, when I was in a low state of confidence, I was walking through the mall with a female friend and she says “Wow, EVERY girl here is checking you out!”. Somehow, I was so wrapped up in my own self-loathing, that I hadn’t even noticed. How bizarre is that?
 
As a wise man once said “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” I was so stuck in a negative self-perception that my mind was blocking out anything that contradicted it.
 
On the other hand, a positive belief can work wonders for you. One time this girl came over to my house, we had a great time, and the next day I see that she had sent me a message saying “I’ll come over, but this time we’re not going to have sex”. Because I hadn’t seen the message (I don’t have internet at home or a smart phone), my mental frame of “Of course we’re going to have sex” was stronger than her mental frame of “I want to but I don’t think I should”. (And just to be clear: she consented, verbally and non-verbally).
 
So, how can you identify your limiting beliefs and recognize them for what they are? That’s a topic for next week.
 
Stay sexy, my friends.

Should you be afraid of crazy pussy?

A lot of men have an irrational fear that the women they date or sleep with are going to fall in love with them and get all needy and clingy. When I was younger, this was a major concern of mine, to the point where I couldn’t even ask girls out because I was afraid of creating the illusion of a relationship that I wasn’t ready to commit to.

If you think about it, this fear is simultaneously self-absorbed and self-hating. Self-absorbed because you assume that women can’t help but fall in love with you (are you really THAT amazing in bed?), and self-hating because of the implication that there’s something wrong with these women for loving you.

This fear ranges from a mild concern to a slightly sexist paranoia, as demonstrated by Matthew McConaughey’s otherwise not-sexist character on True Detective:

Hilarious, but seriously guys, it’s not nice to refer to all female behavior that we don’t understand or that inconveniences us as “crazy”.

But even though not all women who get attached are crazy, the reality is that some women are little bit more desperate and needy than others. This is because they have low self-esteem and they’re looking for a man to prop them up.

Right now I can hear you thinking, “Brilliant, so I’ll just avoid the women with low self-esteem”. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. You see, you inevitably attract (and are attracted to) people who are at the same level of self-esteem as you. This is why you see weak women with insecure abusers, and weak men with insecure ball-busters. This isn’t some woo-woo Law of Attraction spiritual nonsense. It works on a very basic biological level via your body language. Women can read your body language instantly and it communicates directly to their sub-conscious.

And this is why when I was younger, I kept attracting these needy women. Younger me would ask “Why do women NEED to have a boyfriend?” and older, slightly wiser me replies “The same reason you NEED to have sex with a different woman every weekend – insecurity and low self-esteem.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to casual sex and variety. It’s the neediness that you should be concerned about because it means your self-esteem is coming from an external source, instead of from inside you.

And it’s also a problem because this neediness will drive you to do things that you know you shouldn’t do.

When I got divorced 3 years ago, I don’t have to tell you that after 7 years of monogamy, I was eager for some variety. To put it mildly, I was a total slut. I would have sex with pretty much anyone who was willing. And I kept attracting these immature women who were playing mind games with me, and the reason was that I was immature and was playing mind games. I was trying to convince them to sleep with me to pump up my fragile ego. I never lied or said that I was interested in a relationship, but I wasn’t up front about my intentions and I got involved with women who I knew were going to get attached. A lot of people got their feelings hurt, including me.

About a year ago, when I stopped drinking, I took a step back from my sex life and decided to be a lot more cautious about who I was fooling around with. I didn’t go completely celibate per se, but I made a conscious decision not to pursue sex and to just let it come to me. I began working on myself and developing my own sense of self-worth and realized that I didn’t need to get it from sexual conquests.

Suddenly, I started attracting all these great women who were confident and open-minded and up-front about what they wanted, just like me.

And for a while now, I haven’t been afraid of women falling in love with me. In fact, just the other day, a woman told me she loved me and I was super happy about it because I knew she wasn’t declaring ownership of me. She was just expressing the affection we both feel for each other even though we’re not in a committed relationship.

This is the beauty of dating women with high self-esteem: you don’t have to worry about them falling in love with you, either because you’re going to be feeling the same thing, or because you know their feelings are not going to be the crazy needy type. And you don’t need to worry about your ability to “spot crazy pussy” as Matthew McConaughey says, because you just don’t have women like that in your life.

When you have high self-esteem, this is the only crazy pussy you need to worry about.

(Another huge benefit is that they don’t give sex or withhold it to boost their self-esteem. They have sex simply because it feels good. Unsurprisingly, they tend to be a lot better at it.)

The catch is that first you have to have high self-esteem yourself. I’m not going to pretend that I know all the secrets to getting there. It’s a long, hard journey that you have to take yourself. But I can give you a couple of tips.

  • Love yourself – Realize that you’re an attractive, desirable man, and you don’t need to fuck lots of women to prove this to yourself or anyone else.
  • Find your purpose – yes, I know that according to biology your purpose is to reproduce, i.e. to get laid. Find your higher purpose, dude. Usually, if you focus on that, the getting laid part takes care of itself.
  • Be patient – You don’t have to get laid every weekend to feel like a real man. Just relax and say “The universe is sending some very good sex my way and I don’t want to spoil my appetite”
  • Get in shape – It won’t get you all the way there – there are plenty of body-builders who lack confidence with women – but the boost in testosterone will certainly help
  • Be picky – I don’t mean being one of those douchebags who sits at the bar finding any tiny flaw in a woman to justify not going over and talking to her. I mean being picky about the whole package. When you meet someone, are you attracted to her personality and her confidence as much as to her looks? Is she on your level, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Or is she a hot mess? When someone who’s not on your level flirts with you, you can take it as a compliment and move on. You don’t have to have sex with her just to prove to yourself that you can.

Being picky is a very powerful mindset to have. The average man can’t afford to be picky. He’ll take whatever he can get. Every time you say to yourself “I deserve better”, you’re reaffirming your status as an exceptional male, a man who has his pick and can choose to only be with the best – the ones who are beautiful inside and out. As my favorite sex-guru, Nicole Daedone says:

You deserve it. And when you truly know that in the core of your being, they will flock to you.

The tricky part is knowing it, deep down. Not just acting cocky and confident, but really believing 100% that you’re a desirable man. True confidence expresses itself in your body language, and because all people, but especially women, are experts at reading each other’s body language, they’ll know right away whether you’re faking it or not. Sooner or later, a micro-expression, which can last for a fraction of a second, will give you away.

Stay sexy, my friends.

If you’re not a feminist, you’re an idiot

Some men don’t realize what an incredibly awesome world we live in. They think it’s bad that women are free to have sex with whoever they want, and free to work for themselves and earn their own money.
 
News-flash, idiots! Every woman who’s free to have sex is one more potential sex partner for you. And every woman who’s earning her own money is a woman you don’t have to support.
 
Think back to 100 years ago, before women’s liberation. If you wanted to get laid, your choices were: go to a prostitute, or get married. In both cases, your sexual purchasing power was connected to your economic power.
 
Thanks to feminism, we don’t have to be married in order to get sex from just one woman. We can all be free agents and have sex with other free agents. I cannot understand why some men have a problem with this. More sex, plus economic freedom. What exactly is the downside?
 
In short, feminism is literally the best thing to happen to men since women. So, if you’re a man, and you’re not a feminist, you’re either gay, or you’re an idiot.
 
But as good as things are, we’ve got a lot further to go. By holding women back from career advancement, we’re not fully utilizing 50% of the population’s creativity. And every woman who’s having her sexuality repressed by stupid, slut-shaming, immature boys is a woman who’s less likely to have sex with intelligent sexy geeks like us.
 
So, as a mature, intelligent man, what can you do to help? You don’t need to start burning bras. Feminists don’t even do that anymore, and the ones who did probably never wanted you at the rally anyway. Instead, focus on the little things you can do in your day-to-day life.
  • Don’t tolerate slut-shaming. Every time you hear someone doing it, say “Dude, are you gay? Because what you just said contributes to a culture that makes it harder for all straight men to get laid. Cut that out.” (Not that gays can’t be feminists, but you get the idea)
  • Don’t accidentally slut-shame. If a woman has sex with you right away, call her the next day so she knows you still respect her. Because of course, you do still respect her, right? After all, YOU had sex on the first date and you still respect yourself, I assume.
  • Be aware of the ways women are being held back and/or objectified and stand up for them. A lot of times all it takes is someone to say “Hey, that’s not cool”. Be that guy.

Stay sexy, my friends.