A lot of men have an irrational fear that the women they date or sleep with are going to fall in love with them and get all needy and clingy. When I was younger, this was a major concern of mine, to the point where I couldn’t even ask girls out because I was afraid of creating the illusion of a relationship that I wasn’t ready to commit to.
If you think about it, this fear is simultaneously self-absorbed and self-hating. Self-absorbed because you assume that women can’t help but fall in love with you (are you really THAT amazing in bed?), and self-hating because of the implication that there’s something wrong with these women for loving you.
This fear ranges from a mild concern to a slightly sexist paranoia, as demonstrated by Matthew McConaughey’s otherwise not-sexist character on True Detective:
Hilarious, but seriously guys, it’s not nice to refer to all female behavior that we don’t understand or that inconveniences us as “crazy”.
But even though not all women who get attached are crazy, the reality is that some women are little bit more desperate and needy than others. This is because they have low self-esteem and they’re looking for a man to prop them up.
Right now I can hear you thinking, “Brilliant, so I’ll just avoid the women with low self-esteem”. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. You see, you inevitably attract (and are attracted to) people who are at the same level of self-esteem as you. This is why you see weak women with insecure abusers, and weak men with insecure ball-busters. This isn’t some woo-woo Law of Attraction spiritual nonsense. It works on a very basic biological level via your body language. Women can read your body language instantly and it communicates directly to their sub-conscious.
And this is why when I was younger, I kept attracting these needy women. Younger me would ask “Why do women NEED to have a boyfriend?” and older, slightly wiser me replies “The same reason you NEED to have sex with a different woman every weekend – insecurity and low self-esteem.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to casual sex and variety. It’s the neediness that you should be concerned about because it means your self-esteem is coming from an external source, instead of from inside you.
And it’s also a problem because this neediness will drive you to do things that you know you shouldn’t do.
When I got divorced 3 years ago, I don’t have to tell you that after 7 years of monogamy, I was eager for some variety. To put it mildly, I was a total slut. I would have sex with pretty much anyone who was willing. And I kept attracting these immature women who were playing mind games with me, and the reason was that I was immature and I was playing mind games. I was trying to convince them to sleep with me to pump up my fragile ego. I never lied or said that I was interested in a relationship, but I wasn’t up front about my intentions and I got involved with women who I knew were going to get attached. A lot of people got their feelings hurt, including me.
About a year ago, when I stopped drinking, I took a step back from my sex life and decided to be a lot more cautious about who I was fooling around with. I didn’t go completely celibate per se, but I made a conscious decision not to pursue sex and to just let it come to me. I began working on myself and developing my own sense of self-worth and realized that I didn’t need to get it from sexual conquests.
Suddenly, I started attracting all these great women who were confident and open-minded and up-front about what they wanted, just like me.
And for a while now, I haven’t been afraid of women falling in love with me. In fact, just the other day, a woman told me she loved me and I was super happy about it because I knew she wasn’t declaring ownership of me. She was just expressing the affection we both feel for each other even though we’re not in a committed relationship.
This is the beauty of dating women with high self-esteem: you don’t have to worry about them falling in love with you, either because you’re going to be feeling the same thing, or because you know their feelings are not going to be the crazy needy type. And you don’t need to worry about your ability to “spot crazy pussy” as Matthew McConaughey says, because you just don’t have women like that in your life.
(Another huge benefit is that they don’t give sex or withhold it to boost their self-esteem. They have sex simply because it feels good. Unsurprisingly, they tend to be a lot better at it.)
The catch is that first you have to have high self-esteem yourself. I’m not going to pretend that I know all the secrets to getting there. It’s a long, hard journey that you have to take yourself. But I can give you a couple of tips.
- Love yourself – Realize that you’re an attractive, desirable man, and you don’t need to fuck lots of women to prove this to yourself or anyone else.
- Find your purpose – yes, I know that according to biology your purpose is to reproduce, i.e. to get laid. Find your higher purpose, dude. Usually, if you focus on that, the getting laid part takes care of itself.
- Be patient – You don’t have to get laid every weekend to feel like a real man. Just relax and say “The universe is sending some very good sex my way and I don’t want to spoil my appetite”
- Get in shape – It won’t get you all the way there – there are plenty of body-builders who lack confidence with women – but the boost in testosterone will certainly help
- Be picky – I don’t mean being one of those douchebags who sits at the bar finding any tiny flaw in a woman to justify not going over and talking to her. I mean being picky about the whole package. When you meet someone, are you attracted to her personality and her confidence as much as to her looks? Is she on your level, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? Or is she a hot mess? When someone who’s not on your level flirts with you, you can take it as a compliment and move on. You don’t have to have sex with her just to prove to yourself that you can.
Being picky is a very powerful mindset to have. The average man can’t afford to be picky. He’ll take whatever he can get. Every time you say to yourself “I deserve better”, you’re reaffirming your status as an exceptional male, a man who has his pick and can choose to only be with the best – the ones who are beautiful inside and out. As my favorite sex-guru, Nicole Daedone says:
You deserve it. And when you truly know that in the core of your being, they will flock to you.
The tricky part is knowing it, deep down. Not just acting cocky and confident, but really believing 100% that you’re a desirable man. True confidence expresses itself in your body language, and because all people, but especially women, are experts at reading each other’s body language, they’ll know right away whether you’re faking it or not. Sooner or later, a micro-expression, which can last for a fraction of a second, will give you away.
Stay sexy, my friends.