The Wisdom of Wife-Swappers: 3 Things Swingers Can Teach You About Sex

Swinging is a fascinating and misunderstood lifestyle. It’s definitely not for everyone (and not for me), but I was curious about it so I did some research and I discovered some interesting things. I even found some valuable lessons that can improve anyone’s sex life. Here they are, in no particular order:

  1. Learn to let go of jealousy. Swingers know that while sex and love go great together, they’re not quite the same thing. Just because your partner is sexually attracted to someone else, it doesn’t mean that they love you any less. It just means they’re a normal human being with normal desires. Whether or not you and your partner decide to actually fool around with other people, the desire is always going to be there, whether you like it or not. So, instead of letting it freak you out, let it turn you on to know that your partner is a sexual being who other people find desirable.
  2. Don’t put pressure on people. No one is ever required to do anything they don’t want to do at a swingers party, and this is stated clearly up-front. Why? Because swingers know that enthusiastic participation is way sexier than begrudging consent. You can apply this to your own life. When you invite a girl back to your place, make it clear that you don’t expect her to have sex with you, either by saying so explicitly or by saying “You can only come over for a little while, and don’t try to get into my pants.” This is a great line because it’s playful, which brings me to my next point.
  3. Learn to play. Swingers don’t call what they do swinging, fucking, or wife-swapping, they call it playing. This term is vague enough to encompass any sexual activity from kissing to intercourse, because swingers know how to enjoy all of these activities without focusing single-mindedly on the traditional end-goal of sex. Stop racing to the finish line and learn to slow down and enjoy everything that happens along the way. In fact, stop expecting to get to the finish line at all. Your partner will be much more willing to fool around with you if you don’t expect fooling around to always lead to sex. Just play, and focus on having fun.

Stay playful, my friends.

2 thoughts on “The Wisdom of Wife-Swappers: 3 Things Swingers Can Teach You About Sex

  1. Before my wife Pam and I were married, we engaged in swapping with a couple we were good friends with. It was a great experience–fun, exciting, and–very frankly–it made our sex life better.

    It was during the go-go 70s, when this stuff may have been more common (though I doubt it–I think it always goes on to some extent). It started innocently enough, when we were out on a double date with this other couple and my wife got into the back seat with the other guy–and the two of them started going at it. We went back to our house and we both carried on a bit–very playfully–with the swap partner.

    That first night, nothing much happened beyond the “second base” level. But the next day Pam and I talked about it. She thought the other couple had instigated it, which went against the grain of her hopping into the back seat with the Ray (the other guy)….but it is true he had long wanted to get Pam into bed.

    We didn’t come to a conclusion about whether we wanted to pursue this or not in that conversation, but Ray called me the next day and said he and Nancy (his wife) had a blast with us and wanted to know if we’d like to go out again soon. He was direct–the two of them were game for going all the way on this.

    I talked to Pam about it and she thought, why not? Her only concern is that Ray used to pursue her long before I knew her and she didn’t want him getting any ideas.about things.

    So when we got together with Ray and Nancy the next time, we all put the cards out on the table. Yes, we would do this, but no, there would be no going off one-on-one and sneaking around. That night, after a nice dinner out, we went back to our place, lit a fire, and things went as you would expect.

    The two women really got into it–I have to say that they were the aggressors, more than me and Ray. Pam’s very vocal in bed, and–at first–it gave me a bit of a pause. The first time she came with Ray my first thought was, “Do I really want her doing it with this guy?” But Nancy shook the rafters with me pretty well an it all became a very open and exciting experience.

    The next day, Pam and I couldn’t keep our hands off each other. The fact that there was no deceit involved was huge. And never underestimate how exciting it is to see your partner pleasured by someone else.

    We kept this up with Ray and Nancy for about a year–getting together about once every six weeks or so. After that, they moved out of town, and it was years before we saw them again. We both had kids by then, life was different, and it’s just not something that seemed right.

    They’re the only couple we did this with. When Pam and I got married, we discussed the possibility of swapping/swinging and of open marriage–but we decided it wasn’t for us.

    But there’s a time in life for everything, and based on my experience I wouldn’t tell any couple to rule it out. It can be very enriching–it was for us.

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